W o r t h y

A remarkable accomplishment!

2011-08-04T16:11:00.001-07:00

Exactly one and a half years back in time, I had got my visa rejected. On talking to my loved ones about why it happened and how it happened, I was driven to tell them that I will apply next time, with such a brilliant gre score that not one of the visa officers would be able to deny me a visa.

A week ago, during my visa interview, the visa officer was quite skeptical about my rejection the first time under potential immigrant category, but suddenly she popped a question regarding my quantitative in gre.

"it's 800 on 800 ma'am." She looked at me and gave a thumbs up. She smiled and said "Way to go!" .

I know a perfect gre quantitative score isn't a rare thing, but what's made me happy is in some distorted, maybe less than equivalent sort of way, I was successful in accomplishing what I aimed for. It gives me a great boost to realize that right now, in the middle of the night... almost morning.

Good night. Busy day ahead! :)

Graceful Degradation - Dismantling of Dreams to Design New Ones :)

2011-05-24T15:30:00.001-07:00

I am finally at peace. I feel satisfied, stable and serene.. from within. I feel good. Never thought I could accept things this way... things I am not happy about accepting... but ironically happy because I dont have to try any more. My conscience gave me a green signal today. Today, I am surprised to realize that even though I am defeated, I am neither criticizing myself nor destroying all that I have. I am not yelling at loved ones nor torturing myself. For a change, I feel optimistic... even stronger in a way.

In one of my previous posts I had mentioned I feel so low.. as to fall into a crevice, only that I doubt there would be a place lower than where I am standing. Now, I have finally come to terms with where I stand. And happy to acknowledge that I am now pulling myself down. I have come to terms with where I stand, but I am not making judgments regarding whether I deserve this or not. I am fine with standing at the lowest point possible, because I know I have only the thin beam of sunlight coming from above me, that I can follow and look up to. :)

Graceful

2011-05-24T15:30:00.000-07:00

I am finally at peace. I feel satisfied, stable and serene.. from within.

So Tough

2011-04-16T08:20:00.000-07:00

Trying to divert my mind... but nothing helps. Exercise is supposed to help. Its supposed to fill the mind with good, healthy thoughts. But its no use. Except the morning sunshine, there is nothing that keeps me from crying... clawing from within. This sharp pain doesn't seem to subside. Its just hidden during the day and crawls out as soon as the sun sets. And gives me convulsions when anyone even remotely brushes up against my shattered, tattered dreams.

Shattered. Its like something in me has passed away. The suppleness has given way to a barren surface with cracks on it. Cracks which seem to grow into ditches where I might fall into, only that I don't think there is any place lower than the place I am already in.

People talk about heartbreaks. Right at this moment I think why so many songs about forgone love? Why not about broken dreams? Perhaps because its too intimate a thing to be shared? Too intimate to be able to write about and make a song out of it? Perhaps, yes. That's why.

The Remote Control

2011-04-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

I figured something out just as I read my last post. I mentioned I have no control over my life. And I also mentioned I can't accept what's more or less certain. So if in the first place I can't accept stuff I know I should accept, its quite obvious I have no self-control. And if I can't control my mind, and my decisions, how do I hope to have control over my life?

My life is the the scenery I paint. It is the music I compose. If there is a defect in me, how do I expect the music or the scenery to come out fine. Well the cynic part of me comes up right here and tells me there was nothing wrong about the picture or the music I thought of creating, but even still, it didn't come out good.

I suppose the cynic's right. But the point that this cynic part of me misses is that losing self control and sanity of my mind will certainly not give me the perfect picture or song either! I just have to keep trying. To draw my dreams over and over again... and no matter how many times god erases it, I still have to keep trying.. even if I don't want to.. even if my ego takes over and says "God's mean ". Well all I can say in return is "Someday he'll have to take a good look at me!" :) .. I hope I regain self-control and breathe out of this thick fume of depression that surrounds me. Asap.

Dead End

2011-04-13T10:41:00.000-07:00

I'm stuck. I'm stuck big time! .. and the worst part is that I'm am unprepared.. completely caught unawares. I never thought it would all come down to this point. It sends shivers down my spine, and makes my chest heavy. I don't know what to do, where to go.. whom to go to.

I didn't excel at my studies, but I didn't screw it all up either. Then why this? Why this punishment from God? Maybe God thinks this would make me a better person, but all that this situation has done to me till now is make me a wreck - lonely, depressed and mean to my loved ones. Meaner to myself, my time and my life!

I want this to end. To the ones who know me, I seem like a pampered and spoiled girl who is for the first time maybe, not getting what she wants. Maybe that is true. But nevertheless its misery for me. I have no control over the future. Everything is so uncertain. And of the little that is certain is unacceptable to me. I've been trying to convince myself. To accept it. To move ahead. But I cant. Yet.

I had to write today...

2011-03-30T11:42:00.000-07:00

Its 12 a.m. and I'm sad. I shouldn't be sad. But I am. I am insecure. I am scared. And hurt. I am just not giving my all. I'm accepting mediocrity as the essence of my life. I was never quite exceptional. But I thought if i worked hard I would be one day. Alas, I slacked. Big Time! I think I screwed up. With my goal, and my friends...

My temper rises like the magma within a volcano... I think the heat comes from the friction of anger against my soul.. perpetually rubbing my conscience, every moment of the day.. and half of my nights, since I don't sleep till about 2 a.m.

I know there are two kinds of people. Rather three. The first kind excels. The second kind just couldn't care less. The third kind tries to excel but has to compromise midway. I'm the fourth kind. I am the amalgam of pessimism and perseverance. I know I should learn to compromise. I know that life can still be beautiful, and happy. But I can't. I can't come to terms with the fact that I am not the best. Far from it. And to make things worse, I just don't do enough to try to be the best. I mean, even if I was trying to be better..there would be some consolation for my consciousness... but no! There's nothing I can tell myself... I have failed to pacify my passion.

Excuse me?.. Did I mention "Passion".. for what? Thats right... I have no clue what I am passionate about.. Its such a disgrace to admit it. And I've been angry with myself because of this as well. I have this drive in me... but I don't know what it is about. And now I dont know what more to say about it. I'm clueless.

Tiny Joys!!

2008-02-23T03:40:00.000-08:00

"Cheerfulness oils the machinery of life." How true! But how can one manufacture cheerfulness? Indeed...it is an art! One needs to notice and acknowledge that even the tiniest incidents in life can contain moments of immortal pleasure and happiness. Whereas on one hand a goal in life is a must, recognising the ultimate ecstacy that god gifts us in little joys of life is, if not more, then at least equally important!

In today's fast pace urbane life, there is a huge competition to reach the peak in every sphere, which often compells us to divert our minds from the little joys of daily life, and makes us work like heartless machines, anticipating the arrival of a "larger than life" moment, when we achieve our goals.

Nowadays, people are forgetting the concept of happiness. It is often misunderstood as entertainment. Talk about the small pleasures of life and one instantly get reminded of a program on television or the idea of hitting a nightclub. No doubt, all these things are stress relievers, but they do not make you "happy" in the true sense on the word.

"Time and tide waits for none." It is the present that is the most important. Thus, while we should plan and work for a bright future, we should also remember that the present is for us to relish the unique taste of life and be HAPPY !!

Progress

2008-02-23T03:34:00.000-08:00

Progress is to human life what struggle is to a prey, to escape its hunter. This is because just as a prey, which gets all the essential amenities to sustain life is still not satisfied in the shackles of entrapment, even we humans, strive always for success….to break the barriers….and explore the unexplored.

The hunger to succeed has always been an innate quality of humans, for if it hadn’t been so, then man’s dreams of reaching the moon would still have been an imagination. Furthermore, it is only due to the immense progress in the field of communication, that man today, can talk to a person in another corner of the earth, almost as soon as he thinks of him!

But as we all know, that nature is reciprocal, hence man has not always progressed for the better. No doubt, one of the most important factors behind strengthening the evil powers of the world, most of all, terrorism, is due to development in weapons of mass destruction. What more, by the use of a single hydrogen bomb, civilizations which take centuries to come to their present stature are destroyed within seconds! This compels us to think that is this why man progressed? It is true to claim that man is on the path of becoming a “super-satan” rather than a “super-human”.
The loss of life is surely incomparable to the greatest of innovations made by us, for the basic purpose of progress is to enhance the quality of human life, and not eliminate it. Thus, there is no doubt to the fact that the progress made by man today is worth appreciating, but the side-effects of these progresses sometimes overpower the actual aim of the progress itself. Hence, ending on an optimistic note, we still have time to make up for all the problems we have created for ourselves by giving progress a whole new meaning, which comprises of the welfare of human life as well as mother earth

Achievement or Posession?

2008-02-17T03:12:00.000-08:00

The glittering eyes of young children reflect their enthusiasm to achieve their dreams. As we grow up into teenagers, our mind gets acquainted to various other things. We understand that we can’t achieve our dreams by merely dreaming. Being humans, we err, and aren’t quite successful in putting our best. Gradually, we come to know that reality has another aspect, called compromise, which follows failure. Every individual, barring a few , has an equal share of luck. It’s just that while some are motivated, others get distracted. Distraction leads to failure, which in turn, results in making compromises. But then, in our hearts and minds, we still want to achieve what we always desired for all our lives, which calls for frustration, and ultimately the desire to possess what we couldn’t achieve. While achievement is to receive something we deserve, possession is to capture something we merely desire. But of these two, it is achievement that grants satisfaction to the individual, whereas possession just guarantees an everlasting guilt, with no piece of mind. The cause that leads to the choice between the two is attitude. A positive attitude encourages us to achieve our goal in spite of failures, provided, we don’t repeat our mistakes and stay focused. A negative attitude, on the other hand, makes us weaker, by infusing in us the wish to possess things to lessen the pain, but instead this pain and dissatisfaction increase with every possession that we don’t deserve. Thus, we shouldn’t ever give up, and continue to persevere for achieving our goals. Success might come late, but by listening to our conscience, satisfaction will forever dwell in our souls, which is the most important quality to lead a happy and a meaningful life..

The Battle

2008-02-17T03:00:00.000-08:00

A legion of soldiers of the opposing army, and a single person facing it all alone on the battlefield. All that he has got is his inner army, the dream to win, and the aim to conquer all odds. This opposing army is nothing, but life, and the person is none other than you. Maybe my thoughts reflect the attitude of a loser or maybe of an incapable person hoping to achieve a lot more than she ever can. But since it’s my life, so I am entitled to think that my views actually describe the truth, if not of winners, then surely of would-be winners. So, I would like to come back to my point. Well, many may say that it isn’t life that we have to conquer, but the troubles in life are the ones that need to be taken care of. While I am not so pessimistic as to say that life in itself is a huge trouble, but I do feel that it is a torturous tunnel. Even in times of happiness, there is either the thought of another trouble marring our joys, or a guilt within us that keeps on saying that we are not entitled to be happy.
True happiness appears to be a myth, like true love….a divine illusion. Speaking of love, all that I’ve experienced till now is attraction. Not merely physical, but an emotional attraction. Maybe an attraction is the first step of love. But like my goals, being committed also seems to be a distant dream. It’s all very vague and childish, but it’s what I feel. Maybe I am a shallow girl, but my life is just as valuable to me as a mature person’s life is to him. And, when I am affected and hurt by certain things, immaterial of the fact that however senseless or foolish they are, I am as sad as an elderly person would be due to his complex problems.
When you are passionate about something, you don’t get the opportunity to do it. And, when you are all worn out, you are told to do just exactly the same thing, but by that time, you become your own enemy. You inflict pain on yourself by not giving your best shot. But in conflicting amongst you own self, you forget that the real battle is out of you, it’s the world that you’ve got to win, and pulling yourself down is the worst thing that you can do to yourself. It is a sin, don’t commit it.